The dissolution of a marriage is almost always an unhappy event, at the very least marked by disappointment and the loss of dreams and expectations. In addition, there are usually many legal, financial, parental, emotional, and practical aspects that require changes in responsibilities and routines, and it can take people years to regain equilibrium. Nevertheless, divorce serves an important function in legally and emotionally freeing people to form a more stable relationship.
One of the most significant events of the 20th century was changing the role and improving the status of women in private and public life, along with instilling greater expectations for happiness. Those same changes brought about a much talked-about rise in divorce rates and liberalization of divorce laws. Infidelity and financial upheavals are verifiable causes of divorce, but the major causes are emotional: Partners grow emotionally distant, experience disappointments because of unmet expectations, or develop separate visions of life.
How Divorce Has Changed Over Time
The liberalization of divorce laws has fueled non-adversarial approaches to marital dissolution, such as negotiation and mediation. Such practices are especially beneficial for children, for whom divorce is almost always deeply distressing and whose needs are often overlooked in the adversarial process. It is commonly believed that 50 percent of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, but that is not the case. It is now estimated that only a third of marriages will face dissolution over time. Divorce is on the decline especially among the most educated. Experts believe that is because the educated marry later, when they are more mature and have had some relationship experience. With marriage now deeply rooted in personal choice, people need an array of skills to work out the inevitable conflicts and disappointments that arise, before they lead to emotional distance and alienation.
We get stuck in our own point of view, and are unable or unwilling to consider our mate’s vantage point. We make up our minds that we’re right, and that our partners are wrong, communicate our feelings as facts, and turn a deaf ear to our mate’s thoughts and feelings. Determined to force our own point of view, we communicate in presumptive, heavy-handed, and parental ways. If you’re like most people, chances are you’ve interacted with your partner through one or more harmful types of "crossovers" or "verbal trespassing" without realizing it:
1. Mind Reading.
We do it hundreds of times a day: We make up stories about a situation without evidence. We jump to conclusions about what our mate is thinking or doing without checking it out. You might say something to your partner like, “You probably think I’m irresponsible because I lost my cell phone.” You can sidestep this trespass by simply checking it out: “Do you think I’m irresponsible?”
2. Emotion Reading.
We conclude what our partner is feeling without asking. You might say, “I can tell you’re angry with me because I’m late.” To avoid this trespass, ask what she or he is feeling: “Are you angry with me because I’m late?”
3. Name-calling.
We label our partner or spouse with negative attributes: “You’re mean and selfish.” To dodge this trespass, step back and speak of yourself, using "I-messages" instead of "You-messages": “I’m uncomfortable with how we’re talking; I’d like to take a time out and come back when we’re calmer.” When we refer to our own feelings (I-messages) instead of pointing our fingers (You-messages), it reduces defensiveness and tension and promotes open dialogue.
4. Put-downs.
We criticize our partner’s behaviors or habits: “You always pile dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher.” To reverse this trespass, try using, to communicate how a certain action makes you feel: “When you continue to pile dirty dishes in the sink, it makes me feel like my requests don’t matter to you.”
5. Commanding.
We tell our partner what to do and expect them to do what we say: “Don’t eat that; it’s bad for you.” To avoid this trespass, state your concern, or ask a question: “I’m thinking about your health. Do you want the meal fried, or would you rather have something grilled?”
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